everybody has their off days...

So today in my religion in america class we were talking about holiness traditions at the turn of the century. He said something that I, having grown up in a holiness church, did not fully agree with so I spoke up and he asked what denomination I came from. Nazarene, Weslean. After class we were talking for a minute and he asked if I attened the Nazarene church here...

Not a big deal, you might say? Well, no, except that I've been going to the Episcopal Church. The same church he goes to. He has seen me there. His wife is going through ordination. She took me and my friend out to dinner. He commented on that to me. Last class period, he mentioned "maybe i should have worn what I wore to church last Sunday" to me. (he was the acolyte.)

So yeah.... I don't go to the Nazarene Church up here...

summer plans

so i'm thinking that instead of moving in with my sister after graduation and looking for a job, i'm just gonna fly over to europe and chill out over there. take some skirts and some button down shirts and all the books i've wanted to read during college. and a really thin towel. and a cd player. because damn. i'm gonna buy a lot of cds. leave the computer. take the camera.

once i realize i'm running out of money, i'll book a flight back from wherever i am to somewhere in the states and make it home from there. or maybe i'll make home somewhere else.

i will not start a facebook for my lion. that would be wrong. very very wrong.

I should be working on my Capstone, but instead I'm finding any excuse to sit here and look at the unopened books lying next to me. This procrastination goes so far as to actually write here when what i'm trying to avoid is actually writing itself. go figure, really. (please, kill me now)

internal dialogue

irrational(I): Wake up! Wake up!
rational(R): Why?
I: It's 8 am! Wake up!
R: I know it's 8 am, my alarm is set to go off in 50 min. Why should I get up now?
I: Wake up! He may have emailed you.
R: No, no he didn't. any anyway, even if he had, it could wait until 8:50.
I: NOOOOOOOOO!! No, it totally can't wait. He may have emailed you! He may even be there RIGHT NOW!
R: He's at work, working! Let me go the fuck back to sleep.
I: Hahaha. You said "fuck." wake up damn it!.
R: If I do this, will you leave me alone?
I: YES! Yes, I promise. I will totally leave you alone and let you go back to sleep. It'll only take half a minute i swear.
R: *rolls over, turns on computer, waits.... checks email* see, nothing. leave me alone
I: (five minutes later) : Wake up!
R: You Promised!

what now?

i've been really self-absorbed today. I really wanted to run away. Oregon, here I come. WTF, mate? I have two months left here and no desire to finish them. I'm exhausted. I don't need this extra emotional shit that I keep getting myself into. Just leave it all behind. Leave the shit. Leave the stress. Leave the amazing people I know. I doubt it would be worth it. I know some really fucking amazing people, but sometimes. sometimes it just seems like the shit is too much.

I was feeling guilty. Feeling guilty about things that i should not feel guilty about. things that were not my fault. it wasn't my fault! i didn't ask for that. i didn't want it. and i should have told you sooner. but i didn't. and now i feel guilty about that. almost lying, in a way. you can't read my mind. and i, obviously can't read yours. i'm working on the communication, as long as you are.

so, i don't know what i'm doing.

we all make mistakes, but i don't know if this is a mistake or something beautiful. spring break had it's ups and downs. this past weekend was really hard. really really hard. and now i'm confused. confused and not particularly happy. though i feel like i should be. and i feel like i shouldn't be as well.

title of the song.

So, i'm doing pretty well right now and i'm registered for the fswe in april. psyched. really. to both the being well and psyched. (which i totally do NOT keep trying to type spyched.)

need to make it through today and tomorrow. five nights alone, five nights of lion. which the way his job is working out may actually just be nights. damn jobs.

anyway. i'm ready to get the hell out of here and have time to work on my capstone.

the end.

[???]

i wish i had a reason for feeling so bad. why can't i just be sick or something. i'll pop some pills, just make this go away.

where...

to start? where would you start? maybe somewhere besides the beginning...