failure

God damn. sometimes i just hate myself. i have a bs in math and a ba in religion and i'm applying at retail jobs. target, borders, old navy. yeah, dana. you're living with you're sister. you suck at life, basically.

i'm going home for the week. that may totally suck, as well.

since a week ago...

1, check
5, check
6, check
working on 4 & 3.
by accomplishing 3, i hope not to need 2.
7 will come on it's own, i suppose.

So I had this dream that I went back to morocco. It was strange.

now what?

yay graduation & moving. been here for a couple of days & most of my stuff is in my car still. i need to find a job. job job job. rah!

you know what i need?

1. to get fucking plastered,
2. to give god this goddamned nose back,
3. to get out of this country for a while,
   
4. a job,
5. packing boxes,
6. to stop picking at this thing in my mouth,
   
7. a cowboy.

no woman, no cry.

Three years ago, I was graduating from the Academy. I was taking a world religions class for the May intrem course and knitting scarves for a community service project. It was a strange time. I knew which college I was going to attend in the fall, I was going to major in Math, minor in Philosophy/Religioin. I was going to be a math professor. I was going to be a math professor.

I had just recently started to listen to Bob Marley. I had also just realized that what I believed about god and the world did not match up with Christianity. I guess I could say "I had recently stopped being Christian," but that was not the process at all. I was sitting alone, knitting for the service project and listening to Bob Marley and thinking. And suddenly it hit me. I did not believe Jesus loves me. Simple as that. and as complicated as that.

Three years later and attending an Episcopal church (that whole two years in the liminal state, so true) I still don't know what to think about Jesus, but I love the service. I am graduating with a mathematics degree, but also a philosophy/religion degree as well. I am not going to be a math professor. I am not going to be a math professor. Though I am thinking about graduate school in Middle Eastern Studies. And I'm listening to Bob Marley again.

Bob Marley is good for the soul.

good friends we have
oh, good friends we've lost
along the way
in this bright future
you can't forget your past
so dry your tears, i say

I don't know what's going to happen in the next three years. Maybe I'll be writing again about my MA. or maybe I'll be working in a bookstore. or maybe i'll be living in the middle east. I don't know. But I'm excited to find out. This is one bright future.

random thoughts

I kinda feel like i should be documenting more the last weeks of my college career, but i don't really have that much to say.

Graduation is in one week. I haven't bought my cap & gown yet. i never got invitations. But I did finish my capstone thursday. God damn, I hope I get a B on it. I did work. Maybe not A-hard, but surely a B. (please, please!) And I got my paper for Religion in America. A! Which means I'm doubling my midterm grade and taking my B. And my third test in Symbolic. I kinda thought I may have fucked up the essays, but nope! I got an 8- (out of 8) so, I just need to do the presentation and post-writing (which may be pre-writing for me).

I really should write a cover letter for my senior seminar in Mathematics. I have a linguistics final, but I'm taking that class pass/fail, so I just need to pass.

I'm looking forward to graduation, though I'm not sure what i'm going to do afterwards. I mean, living with my sister but I don't have a job lined up. Honestly I'd like to work in a bookstore for a little while. I mean, that's not my life goal, but it would be a nice job to have for the summer if I really do go to Lebanon in the Fall.

"so let it be written, so let it be submitted, so let it be done."~ sehne tpai

I submitted my capstone at 6:30 this morning. granted it was due tuesday, taken until wednesday morning with no penalty, so i'm hoping for only one day's penalty. But it's done. or i suppose as done as it ever will be. Al-Hamdulilla! I hope it's good enough. I got a notice from the library for an overdue book that i was using on the paper, and i'm kinda scared to turn it in, because that will be so much the end. and damn. i'm kinda attached to this project.

I still have quite a bit to do before the semester's done, but it is doable.